Walking to school in the snow, uphill both ways:

I used to hear this and other gems from my Father and Grandfather; when I was your age I used to have to get up before I went to bed to go to work, for Christmas all I got was a stick and a rock and I was glad to have them etc, etc.

Like all kids I would roll my eyes when they would opine on the value of character, hard work, respecting your elders etc. When I got out of line, smarted off or misbehaved my parents believed in a mechanism of direct feedback, my Mom had a paddle and Dad had his belt. We would have occasional conversations about my shortcomings and at the end of them I could always tell how strongly they felt, my only consolation is that they never took joy out of interaction and in truth felt that in it having to come to that they had failed me some how. It must be understood that my parents were both highly educated people but that they understood that boundaries were important for kids as was the understanding that decisions had consequences both good and bad.

In an article in USA Today on what has gone wrong today in our “everybody gets a trophy society” where promoting children’s self esteem has become more important than preparing them for the real and true world. They seemed shocked that definitive measures are used to judge contribution once they leave the protection of the perpetual societal nannies that protect them until they leave school.

What the Dr. Feelgoods do not realize or comprehend is that real life is Dodgeball and if you do not prepare children for failure and conflict early they have no mechanism to deal with it once they leave the protective cocoon. What we have seen happen in Omaha, Colorado etc. is in my opinion a direct result of that failure. We have all heard the corporal punishment is that it teaches violence, or that violence is a mechanism to resolve conflict. For the most part I say that is bull puckey, what I believe is that disciplining your child and holding them to expectations and standards has become to burdensome to most parents. I think it is a rationalization for those who don’t wish to be parents but rather be pals or friends. When I see parents demanding that their children play video games where saving lives is the pathway to success rather than taking them I will pay some credence to what they have to say.

We have become general supporters of the path of least resistance; teachers, coaches, parents etc. find it easier to instill a false sense of accomplishment rather than provide direction and feedback to children that utilizes their person tool-boxes. We should not tell a child that their accomplishments are meaningful unless they are, in doing so we create two distinct problems. Firstly, we allow a child to believe that they may be better suited than they actually are for area of accomplishment for them only to find that their dreams were misplaced. Secondly, we deny them the opportunity to seek out at a young age those things that they can excel at that create real and sustainable self-esteem.

In general people rise to the level of expectation made of them. It little Timmy has always been told that his paintings are great by adults, how do we not expect him to feel lied to and disappointed when he finds out they were moderate at best. Maybe if Timmy had been told the truth he would have applied himself to the task of becoming great or known that intrinsically painting was not his gift.

False self-esteem is more insidious than the truth but requires less effort to impart. By shielding children from disappointment we deny them one of the most important parts of their development, coping skills. I am not saying that we must be a perpetual buzz-kill but by not being truthful with children we do them no service and teach them to doubt everything once the first misrepresentation is discovered.

There is no way to legislate physical and mental parity in children and wanting it to be so does not make it such. Every child has potential for something but that pathway to discovery requires direction by those entrusted in raising children. There is right and wrong, good and bad and hard work creates opportunity.

Those that look at recent occurrences and say that guns are the problem miss the larger point. It was the inclination by the shooters that is at the root of these travesties. That inclination was borne out of the sense of rejection they felt, they had been promised that everyone gets what they want, that everything was possible but no one told them not probable.

People will try and point to the failures of others as casual in these events instead of looking at the environment in general that created them. Until we are honest with children about their world ahead they will continue to remind us of our failures in the most horrific ways possible.